All those periods of silence in my blogs, believe me, were not always so silent. I've written many things (and got started on many others) that I thought better about posting, and so they were deleted.
This morning, on the way to attempting a little update about what's going on with me, I've experienced three more aborted attempts. I aborted and deleted a couple of attempts yesterday and finally just gave up and stuck a movie in the DVD player.
Right now my job is driving me nuts. And yet another stick was added to this camel's back on Friday. Not being able to go into any detail (because I don't want to take the chance of something I write being used against me), I am being forced to suffer in near-silence.
I said near-silence because I was fortunate enough to score a date with my lady friend yesterday (we are both dissatisfied with our inability to connect more often) and I was able to vent my spleen to her over some hamburgers (not the cheap, fast food type!), onion rings and "homemade" banana pudding.
That helped a little. But it also served the purpose of reminding me how much I enjoy her company and wish I could have more of it. Bummer!
I think a conservative estimate would be that I've deleted at least four times as many ramblings as I've published. And many of the posts I finally did put up were painstakingly edited for content (I know I really ought to do more editing for style and grammar, but if I took the time to do that my output would really trail off). I really worry about things I say coming back to slap me in the face.
My dad was the strong silent type. Me? I'm the strong mouthy type. I feel better when I get things off my chest. But discretion being the better part of valor and all that, I guess I will suffer in relative silence for now.
You see, I don't think my depression is bad chemicals in my brain. There really are some annoying things that are eating away at my feelings of well being and contentment. Perhaps I'm not always doing as well as I should or could in dealing with these things, but I'm not as young as I used to be, either.
There was a time when if a job made me unhappy, I would walk away. Not so easy when you're older and less attractive to potential employers, when you have established yourself with an employer over a long period of time with seniority and benefits, or when you have responsibilities towards others, such as I feel I have with my aging mother.
I think that trapped feeling is what does it for me. I like options - lots and lots of options. About the only real option I have for most of the major things that are chapping my cheeks right now is finding a way to make the best of them.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change....
Anyway, having finally got to the end of this update without more than two dozen or so deletions, I'm going to sign off and put a movie in the DVD player and think about other things. I'm going to watch Gore Vidal's Lincoln. I saw it once (most of it, anyway) over a decade ago and remember enjoying it. Heck, it anyone knew how to navigate with the rough seas of life, surely it was old Honest Abe.
Now the next time you hear from me I plan on being a little more upbeat. Right now I just can't seem to pull it off. Maybe tomorrow. Yeah, tomorrow! (How am I doing at faking it?)